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03 March 2004 @ 01:25 pm
Much better  
So, my grandmother is moving from Bellevue down to Vancouver - she decided it's time to do the retirement home thing. She found one she likes down there, and I have an aunt and uncle in the area that will be helping her settle in.

She made me promise that I would come visit sometime. I'm feeling vaugely guilty about that - I've been working in Bellevue, less than half a mile from her place for YEARS now, and I've hardly ever made myself go over to see her.

I do have an unfortunate habit of ignoring my family when I'm not immediately around them - it's not a snub, it's just an "out of sight, out of mind" thing. These are people that I don't particularly enjoy spending time with, even though I love them, so I tend not to even THINK about interacting with them. While there is definitely some genuine caring, the dominant things I associate with "family time" are terminal boredom and forced smiles.

I know I've hurt people's feelings by acting like this. I'm not trying to reject them, keep them out of my life. I just ... feel no real desire to bring them further in.

Am I making any sense here?
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Jimwarpdragon on March 3rd, 2004 01:21 pm (UTC)
Yes, you are. I pretty much feel the same way about my family.
Lady Doomlithera on March 3rd, 2004 01:27 pm (UTC)
It makes perfect sense to me. I know that I often feel the same way about my family. I love my parents. I love my sister. And my aunts and uncles and grandparents. They just aren't a large part of my life and haven't been for years and years.

There are barriers between bringing them further into my life that go beyond distance and some of it is acceptance. I know that I am different than they are in some key ways that will likely never change. It makes it difficult.

Even when I'm not wanting to yell at my mother.

Family reuinions are good times. We're a great bunch of people and lots of fun to hang out with. I know we are. It's just that along with all of the fun and laughs there is quite a bit of not so hidden strain. It's unfortunate.
eggiebert on March 3rd, 2004 02:09 pm (UTC)
You are absolutely making sense. The thing about family is that you can be with them and have nothing in common with them. I feel tremendous affection for many of my own family, but when you have no arena that you can mutually relate to it makes time spent togather awkward. And familys can sometimes ignore how multifacted we are as people, makeing us come to them on their terms. I'm sure in my own case there is responsability on my part and not really puting in the full effort. But even if I did it would be a slow bleed of my energy if I were to do it for any length of time. It makes me sad, but I think I'd rather be sad than resentful and angry.

Just my two cents.
Janetpookagirl on March 3rd, 2004 02:27 pm (UTC)
You are making sense. I think it's especially hard to keep in touch with family when you don't have any 'major' changes in your life, like moving or a job change. It's hard to remember to talk when you know all you'll have to say is, "yup, I'm still fine."

Heck, I'm that way with many of my friends. It just seems silly to call and go, "Hi! I'm still good. You still good? ...Well, that's good. Bye!"
Victoria: saucy wenchmahariel on March 3rd, 2004 03:21 pm (UTC)
It's funny - I talked less to my father when we were both living in New Orleans than I do now that we're 2700 miles apart.
Myraseattlite823 on March 9th, 2004 12:24 pm (UTC)
I am sorry you feel this way. In the future I will remember that your time with us is all fake smiles and boredom. Gee... that makes me want to love and care about you all the more. Did you ever figure out that I genuinely care about you and accept you how you are? In the past I have tried to schedule time with you apart from other members of the family, because I enjoy your company, and care about you. But this had just made me not even want to make an effort.
Bye
Your sister
St. Sean the Amused: eeyoreseanb on March 9th, 2004 02:53 pm (UTC)
I debated hiding this post from you. I'm sorry it hurt your feelings to read this.

I said "the dominant things I associate with 'family time' are". You said "your time with us is all", which is quite a leap.

Yes, Myra, I know that you care about me and accept me as I am. That goes both ways, and it's a large part of what family is about. I'm not such a callous bastard that I don't understand and feel that.

Please, calm down and re-read what I actually said.