18 September 2001 @ 01:59 pm
The Star Wars Perspective  
I'm not sure if this is hilarious or tasteless. I really don't know what to think, but I know all the Star Wars geeks out there will read this. Maybe I'll finally get some flames in my journal...

I saw this on the Seattle.Gothic Message Board.



Memorandum
To: All Imperial Officers
From: Grand Moff Sun-yi

It is with a heavy heart that I must confirm rumors that I'm sure you all have heard by now. Our beloved Emperor Palpatine died yesterday. Police sources indicate that this was, as feared, a Rebel assassination. Not only did this assassination take place on one of our own vessels, but investigators say that one of our own high-ranking officers, Darth Vader, was involved. Vader is a Jedi.

There have been some media reports about possible suspects, though it is too early at this time to provide names. We strongly believe, however, that the operation was financed by members of Alderaan's royal family. This is the same group that committed the cowardly terrorist attack on Spirit One three years ago and attacked our settlement on Endor earlier this week. It is suggested that yesterday's assassination was in retaliation for our botched attack on a rebel terrorist training camp at Hoth last year.

About the Rebels The rebels are a small group of Jedi extremists who have distorted the Way of the Jedi, which is a very rich religion, into a violent drive for expansion and destruction of all who oppose its beliefs. These extremists believe that they achieve invincibility through "the force", a spiritual fever that comes over them. For this reason, they are willing to take on suicidal strategies. They see honor in facing great risk, and there are reports of fighter pilots turning off targeting and guidance systems as a way to test their faith. Many rebel pilots die in such attacks. Their belief system is reinforced with propaganda. For example, they would call Spirit One the "Death Star".

It is too easy, in a time like this, to point at a person's religious background as a destructive factor. We must take pains not to give in to prejudice or blanket generalizations about certain population groups or people with creeds different from ours. The strength of this empire comes from our diversity, and we must not lose that, our greatest strength. In this specific example, the prime suspect has exhibited destructive behavior in the past (including a strangulation episode that took place during a strategy meeting) that should have tipped off his superiors. We are working with a consultant to develop mandatory training programs for officers to identify these traits sooner in order to maintain a safe work environment. Nevertheless, the Empire will continue to encourage and accommodate people of different beliefs. This accommodation may be in the form of schedule changes, menu selection, or the ability to deviate from officer dress code if required. There are many Jedi in the Empire, and local Jedi spiritual leaders were the first to condemn the terrorism. Violence against Jedi-Imperials will not be tolerated.

Where are they? A terrorist organization operates from hiding. Nobody knows where their base may be, and they move frequently. These bases are surprisingly well-defended. For example, Imperial forces lost hundreds of people in the Hoth attack. Before Hoth, the empire was criticized from within by people who objected to our bombing of Alderaan. Though it is true that some innocent people lost their lives, we must remember that the royal family supported these terrorists and were building a large fleet of starships. Though people objected, it should be clear by now that our actions three years ago prevented hundreds of rebel attacks and probably saved thousands of innocent Imperial lives. It is not surprising to hear many of the critics changing their tune today.

What can we do? Economic sanctions have had no impact, even after the loss of funding from Alderaan. The main reason for this is that the rebels are being supported by smugglers, slavers, and extortionists. We have linked many rebel leaders to noted fugitives Hutt, Solo, and Calrissian. It is unsure how the rebels square their Jedi philosophy with the criminal element, but there is a lot about them we do not understand. The Empire has attempted military action to no avail. Bounty hunters have been brought in to intercept the masterminds behind the terrorism in an attempt to reduce injury to innocent civilians on the ground. After some bounty hunters met with grisly deaths, the Empire has discontinued that strategy. The loss of our Emperor, who was integral in shaping our counter-terrorism strategy, has been a blow to our cause. Evidence of moles in the highest ranks have forced strategists to discard the last several months of planning. There may be others in addition to Vader. The threat of assassination forces our leaders to stay apart from one another, which makes planning more difficult. Nevertheless, our security forces remain on high alert through this dark time.

What do you tell your children? Little ears hear a lot, and the deaths of 360 children on Spirit One was a tragedy that touched us all. We must be honest with our children, but we cannot let them be afraid of leaving their rooms. The Empire can assist in times like this. Counselors, psychologists, and the
clergy are available to work with parents and guardians. Don't let your child damage his or her stuffed Ewok toy. Talk it over. Your time means a lot to them.

A Need for Healing The Empire is made up of people from all walks of life. Jawas, Ewoks, Tuskens, and Wookies work beside us each day. Our diversity is something to be celebrated. Let us console each other, and not attack each other for the color or texture of skin, hair, or scales. If the security forces seem more prevalent and more persistent in their role of guardians, don't call them by the derogatory "stormtroopers". Smile and do your best to work with them. They have a very difficult job. The next few weeks will be difficult for us all. Remember that our cause is good, and that we are fighting for freedom. The rebel propaganda machine is strong, and they will attempt to demonize us. They conveniently dismiss our efforts to feed and house children across the galaxy, our beautiful art projects, and our commitment to the rights of indigenous races. Take the time to visit the Imperial gardens or attend a museum. Admission, as always, is free, and there will be special events for both children and adults.

Thursday next week has been designated as an Imperial Day of Mourning. Non-essential offices and schools will be closed. The Imperial funeral will also be held on Thursday, and there will be an Empire-wide moment of silence at time 2.505. A special broadcast of the war against the rebels will be shown tonight at 8.5.

Thank you.
 
 
Current Music: Haujobb - Clear Vision
 
 
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
Mr. Flibble: Evilcrispengray on September 18th, 2001 02:08 pm (UTC)

That's too funny.

It reminded me of this Onion article: http://www.theonion.com/onion2918/daycare.html

Sorry. No flames from me.

Except for the fact that you're a stupid poopoo head.
St. Sean the Amusedseanb on September 18th, 2001 02:24 pm (UTC)
/me scratches head.

OK, it is funny. I wasn't sure how people would react....

Well, double stupid poopoo head on you. Neaah.
Mr. Flibble: Goofycrispengray on September 18th, 2001 04:03 pm (UTC)

I'm rubber, you're glue! Nyah nyah nyahnyah nyah!
St. Sean the Amusedseanb on September 18th, 2001 04:12 pm (UTC)
Well, I'm dried crunchy Elmer's glue, so it doesn't stick to me!

Besides, um, darts stick in rubber. Yeah!
Mr. Flibble: Goofycrispengray on September 18th, 2001 04:17 pm (UTC)

Nuh uh!
St. Sean the Amusedseanb on September 18th, 2001 05:08 pm (UTC)
yes huh!
TW Bruhn: Apestyleapestyle on September 18th, 2001 02:12 pm (UTC)
You seek a flame? ::tosses you a match::
Mr. Flibble: Sexycrispengray on September 18th, 2001 04:16 pm (UTC)

THTOP it, you big boy, you!
TW Bruhn: Timstyleapestyle on September 18th, 2001 04:29 pm (UTC)
heehee!
Lady Doomlithera on September 18th, 2001 02:27 pm (UTC)
It's an interesting persepctive. Really. Take out Vader, put in bin Laden and a few other changes and that's a story on CNN right now.

Funny in its way, but also a very interesting commentary.
St. Sean the Amusedseanb on September 18th, 2001 02:30 pm (UTC)
It feels kind of like a satire. In it's own way, I find this piece about as disturbing as Eliza's cartoon.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )